#21 Lew Hill Memorial Ground, Odd Down AFC

Odd Down 2 Bristol Manor Farm 1

Toolstation Western League - Premier Division, Tuesday 15th March 2016

Only a month and a half remains of the particularly rain-beleaguered 2015/16 Western League season, that's right folks, the run-in is upon us. The chance for embattled village teams to push for that elusive single promotion spot and into the promised land of the Southern League. Jostling for that honour this evening are my local club Bristol Manor Farm and the little-known and strangely named Bath suburb of Odd Down, who occupied 2nd and 1st place respectively at the time of this match. I decided this match carried a decent potential of "being a bit tasty" and would be a good way to break my long absence from ground-hopping.  

I arrived at the ground about 15 minutes before kick-off and was stunned to encounter a 20-person line for the single turnstile. I'd place the overall crowd at about 100-120, by far the biggest I'd ever seen at a Western League match and why not? Farm had just crashed out of a triumphant FA Vase run in the quarter-finals to eventual finalists Morpeth Town and Odd Down were top of the league with games in hand, there was a palpable buzz around the Lew Hill Memorial Ground as I passed through the gate of evergreen trees and into the stands.  

Odd Down's ground is one of the more rustic, shall we say, of the Western Prem. I think they'd be cool with me saying this judging by their twitter. They seem to have gone for the bare minimum that the FA guidelines demand for the level with hard standing on only three sides of the pitch and a tiny amount of seating. They do have a covered standing section made of scaffolding though, which seems to be all the rage these days. Other than that the only major complaint I could make was the pitch being a bit barren in regards to green stuff but if Odd Down can be top of the league without the use of newfangled modern glitter such as a website, or sturdy structures, or grass, then more power to them. True proletariats of the Toolstation league.  

The game kicked off and Odd Down went one up almost immediately through Jay Simpson. Manor Farm had a decent attacking spell and won three corners in quick succession but weren't able to make any count despite some of them floating in very nicely indeed, with one being inches from an own goal for Down from a defensive header gone wrong.

#scenes

After this everything got a bit hilarious for a few minutes. The Odd Down players had a penchant for the well-known amateur league defensive tactic known as kicking the ball out of play and over the perimeter fences. Every time this happened it would take a solid minute for someone to produce another ball. This enraged the gaggle of Farm fans I was stood with to no end, along with Odd Down's manager Ray Johnson who was shown a red for launching a ball at a Manor Farm player as he waited to take a throw in. This led to an interesting philosophical discussion between the Manor Farm fans and the linesman regarding whether banishing a referee from his dugout to the area directly behind and to the side of it, where he continued to shout instructions in amongst the crowd, constituted a sending off. Sadly for lovers of spectacle, Johnson was not banished from the stadium and forced to watch from the nearby hills in a situation similar to Poole Town's Tom Killick.

Eventually the ball retrieval process sped-up, leading to this gem from the bloke next to me:

"SPORTS DIRECT WERE OPEN WERE THEY? WELCOME TO THE MODERN WORLD. AND GET SOME FUCKING GRASS SEED".

The difference for Manor Farm proved once again to be the fun-sized midfielder Pete Sheppard, who flew at the Odd Down defence again and again with astonishing speed, eventually resulting in Nash, Odd Down's keeper, bringing him down for a penalty which Kye Holly dutifully converted. During stoppage time Manor Farm were denied a second penalty from a clear handball in the box which the ref missed.

Half time came and Down's plush clubhouse was so busy that it was more feasible for me to acquire a Doom Bar than a cup of tea in the allotted time, which I supped whilst gazing mystified at a poster advertising Odd Down Social Club's Friday night game of 'click' with 'meat draw'. Wild.

"What... kind of meat?"
"GOOD MEAT"

I switched sides during the second half to stand behind the Odd Down keeper on the non-hard standing side of the pitch, again with the Farm fans. These guys were amazing value. I've never seen Western League football taken so seriously before. They managed to rile up Odd Down's Alex Nash something rotten with chants of "will you ever grow a beard?" in reference to the keeper's designer stubble. Some frank exchanges of views, which I won't repeat for the sake of the children, were held between Nash and the farmy army regarding accusations of Odd Down cheating as they continued to kick balls out of play during the remaining half.

For my part, whilst I could understand their frustrations to an extent, Manor Farm didn't have the best game. They were second to the ball too often and insisted on trying various flicks that were easily intercepted rather than the more direct approach I've seen them use to great effect at The Creek and I feel more befits he-of-the-46-goals-this-season Dean Stamp, who I was astounded to learn was played as a left-back at Willand Rovers earlier in his career. The big man's best attempt came near the end as he beat two defenders on a charging run before smashing it against the post for Odd Down to clear. An agonizing missed opportunity for my new comrades behind the goal.

Odd Down for their part played brilliantly on the counter and despite a possible over-reliance on hoofed balls and kicking it out, were able to use their noticeably pacier attacking players to great effect. The decider came in the 55th minute from an Odd Down penalty, which was initially saved but was buried by Adnan Hiroli on the rebound. There were furious calls for offside from the Manor Farm players and bench but I'm afraid I was too far away to comment.

At time of writing Manor Farm have lost another game 3-1 at home to Cadbury Heath, putting them eight points behind Odd Down who maintain a game in hand, with Willand Rovers between the two but having played four more games. Promotion now seems big ask for the portway club but certainly not unachievable. I'll do my best to bring you some more reports before the end of the season.  

#20 Crown Ground, Accrington Stanley

Accrington Stanley 1 Bristol Rovers 0

Saturday 30th January 2016, League Two

Accrington Stanley Football Club; butt of a hundred jokes, the team you have to be if you're playing FIFA with your 5 year old nephew to give him a chance, league two favourites for relegation every season. Here's the story of our sixth consecutive loss to them.

Rovers were having a pretty good time of things in their first season back in the league, sitting in fourth with the play-offs looking like a likely destination for us come May. I had seen them fight hard to overturn a very good Oxford United side and narrowly lose out on all three points due to a last minute equaliser against Plymouth Argyle in a tight home game, coincidently my Dad's first Rovers match in 30 years. With most Gasheads agreeing pre-season that mid-table consolidation would be the name of the game for 2015/16, this rather unexpected push for consecutive promotions has put a real buzz around the Mem with a near-capacity crowd turning out to watch the Argyle match.

A similar story was unfolding at Accrington with them occupying a lower play-off space but in a false position due to a period where weather forced them to postpone 4 (four) home games in a row. Accy haven't had much luck in League Two (aside from 2010/11 where they finished 5th but went out in the play-off semis to Stevenage) so the club were in the unusual position of looking up rather than over their shoulders around the relegation spots. 

The weather the week leading up to the game had been pretty bad. Nothing compared to the stuff that had caused the floods earlier in the month but still enough to make me nervous about a wasted 3-hour drive that I was starting at 6:30 on the Friday evening after work. I needn't have worried however as Accy had pulled out all the stops to get the game on with it's groundsman, owners and fans all mucking in, a doff of the cap to all involved. Always trying to make a weekend out of long away trips I was being kindly put up by another old uni pal, Jake "Nash" Hilton (who supports Blackburn Rovers) and his family who live in Croston.

We left for Croston station pretty early and caught the train to Accrington via Preston, where we stopped for some pints. I was alarmed by the pedestrian etiquette in the city and what Nash explained as the "shared space" policy in which all single lane roads in the centre were designated free-for-alls between road users and pedestrians. This works about as well as you'd expect and will probably be in George Ferguson's next mayoral manifesto.

We arrived in the tiny town of Accrington and began up the massive hill from the station to the ground, stopping in the Hare & Hounds pub because the Thwaites sign reminded me of Rik Mayall's character from Guest House Paradiso. As you'd expect the place was packed with old flat-capped gentlemen sipping bitter, just as I had hoped. Everyone was very friendly with one vintage gentleman quipping "I can tell you're from Bristol cuz you just used the word sir" as I brought a round. I also encountered my first loon of the afternoon in the toilets; a man who turned to me and remarked "that's the worst pineapple rock I've ever tasted" in reference to the yellow urinal cakes. The worst part is I think he was Bristolian.

The Crown Ground is a bit of a basic one; a distinct hangover from their 35 years in the non-league with the familiar sightings of white-painted breeze block walls and rickety corrugated iron roofs. The main stands, named the Jack Barret Memorial Stand and the John Smiths stand run the length of the pitch behind the dugouts and contain the majority of the seats in the stadium. They look like one stand but if you look closely you can see the gap between them. The John Smiths stand contains fewer seats due to an unfortunate slope. Opposite this is the Whinny Hill stand, also known as the Cowshed, which is probably the most non-league of all the stands and reminded me of the Lotus Side at Stafford Rangers. It used to be a terrace but was filled with seats to get the ground up to league standard. 

Some Rovers fans were sensible enough to get seats in the Whinny Hill stand but the vast majority (me and Nash included) were on the open Coppice Terrace getting the shit kicked out of us by hailstone and chilly Lancashire winds. Opposite us was the Sophia Khan stand which consists, oddly enough, of a small terrace behind a row of five or so seats. This was the favoured spot of the "Stanley Ultras" a small gaggle of flag-waving, drum-pounding vocal fans. The temptation was to laugh at the notion of Accrington Stanley having an ultras group but to be fair to them they did keep the noise up for most of the game. Not quite enough to make me rethink my views on drums in the English game though. 

The Elmer the Elephant stand

Stanley Ultras. Pies not £££.

Unfortunately considering how long it took to get there, there game wasn't really much to write home about. The weather was worse than Oxford with strong gales and hail, the upshot of standing was I wasn't as cold. Stanley played from the back effectively and frustrated Rovers early attempts. Rory Gaffney came close to getting his first goal as a permanent Rovers player but headed just wide and Adam Buxton forced a decent save from Mildenhall from 20 yards. Then in the 69th minute Sean McConville hit a cross that looked to have caught the wind but nevertheless bounced too far for the perusing Crooks to do anything with but then carried on past Mildenhall, who dived too late. A truly shit goal to concede. From that point on Stanley were completely in control and it became obvious the 543 Bristolians who made the trip wouldn't be seeing a goal. So we set about entertaining ourselves with the chant "jump around, just to feel your feet". Also there was someone there in a bear costume, probably not a bad idea considering the temperature. 

96 quite bitter beings

This was a highly disappointing result for the Gas when it looked like we might have had an outside chance of automatic promotion but I must give credit to Stanley, who knew how to exploit our weaknesses and were well organised in the harsh conditions. We were unquestionably beaten by the better team on the day. I've long had an admiration for the club and was glad I had been able to make this pilgrimage to find that it was every bit as friendly and passionate as I'd hoped. The crowds may be small but they've carved themselves out a tiny piece of lower league paradise here. It'll be fun to see how far they can take their run this season.

#19 Kassam Stadium, Oxford United

Oxford United 1 Bristol Rovers 2

Sunday 17th January 2016, League Two

"Aren't you driving to Oxford today?" asked my wife Becky, standing at the door of our bedroom trying to rouse me from my hungover state of rigor mortis. I had organised an impromptu casual pints event the night before with some old friends that had ended up with us getting a little more Darrell Clarked than I had originally intended. I choked down some paracetamol and hit the road nervous about my blood alcohol content.

I had originally decided not to bother with this trip in the name of post-Christmas penny pinching, despite it's relative closeness. However the exciting return of Rory Gaffney coupled with Oxford's cup heroics made me think that this may be a classic and when I saw someone selling a spare ticket on Twitter I took it as a sign.

After just over an hour and thirty minute's drive through the pretty Wiltshire scenery (and Swindon) I had arrived on the outskirts of Oxford where the Alakazam stadium stands, surrounded not by the trappings of more traditional grounds: grubby pubs and long-suffering neighbours but by a Bowlplex and a Frankie and Benny's. I was almost glad to be driving, the thought of ducking into Bowlplex for a swift pint was not appealing.

I had arrived way earlier than my meet up time with Neil off of Twitter and it was a testicle-shrinking 3 degrees, so I decided to take a walk. I spent £2 on a sample pot-sized cup of coffee and began shuffling miserably around the perimeter of the stadium. I really hate the cold. The only thing of note on the stadium exterior front is the big reflective glass panelled entrance that gave the place a sort of late 90s leisure centre feel. Apparently there's a bronze statue of an ox somewhere but I didn't see it.

The interior of the Kablamo stadium consists of three all-seater stands. The south is two-tiered and contains the posh seats. The north is where the 2,300ish Rovers fans were seated, with about a quarter of that amount of Oxford fans one the far side. The east stand was similar to ours but obviously smaller because it was behind a goal. It looked to be the preferred place of the more raucous Oxford supporter. Conspicuous by its absence was the west end of the stadium, which is filled only by a small wall covered in adverts. I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to how much OUFC has paid out to Bowlplex in window repair fees over the years due to stray balls.

As you have probably guessed this is another modern identikit stadium that I find difficult to make interesting with my puny human words. The beige breeze block concourse didn't help matters, though I did find it funny when I encountered in the men's room the handiwork of a Chesterfield fan who had written 'OXFORD SCUM' in what appeared to be crayon on the wall. I queued up dutifully for my sole cup of warm, nameless bitter as a feeble shield against the frosty bullshit I would be facing for the next two hours.

Out in the stands we were treated to the auditory delights of Sandstorm by Darude as an elderly chap in a suit ambled out onto the pitch with a microphone and addressed the east stand. He congratulated the crowd on the recent results against Swansea and Millwall which he said were made possible by the constant noise of the home crowd. He then tried to start a warm up routine to get the home crowd going but had to give up and shuffle off back down the tunnel after his three attempts were drowned out by the Rovers support who were positively delighting in ruining Oxford's party.

I enjoyed the flag waving antics of Oxford's small gaggle of ultras as they welcomed the players to the pitch, it was a nice little display even if no one could possibly be intimidated by a banner that says 'Oxford Boys'. I enjoyed the fact that the U's support appeared to encapsulate all the main segments of the modern fan, the silent ever-seated old-timer, the mad shouty singing section people and the belligerent frothing tosspot that stands as close to the opposition fans as possible in order to exchange obscene hand gestures all match.

All this didn't completely remove a nondescript feeling of being in a well-to-do place that chairpeople and local politicians would breathlessly tell you was a 'sustainable community asset' as they grip your hand a bit too tight and grin twitchily. Just to give you an example of what I mean: every single substitution had it's own sponsor read out over the tannoy: "Substitution, number 20 Taylor replaces number 15 O'Dowda. This substitution brought to you by The [suchandsucha] Hotel, Oxford." I have never heard of this happening before and it's one of those things that makes me think we may be a bit too far gone as a species at this point.

The game played out much as I had expected, a tight affair between two teams who should find themselves in the top 7 come May. Oxford passed slickly and were able to get themselves into good positions with very little notice, it was easy to see how they troubled Swansea and Millwall recently. Rovers defended tenaciously and looked threatening on the counter, helped by decent long-ball deliveries from Leadbitter and Clarke and the classy touches and turns of shiny new striker Rory Gaffney.

The deadlock was broken straight away in the 2nd half when a short corner was worked to the middle edge of the box to an unmarked John Lundstram who's shot was deflected/flicked into the net by wonderkid Kemar Roofe. A bit of a shit one to concede considering both teams had been defending well up to that point. Rovers drew even again 6 minutes later with a blistering run from young Danny Leadbitter who then produced a perfect cross for Matty Taylor to head in. I would have been happy with the point had you asked me at the start of the game but the players clearly weren't as Gaffney did his utmost to make it two by running on to a cleared ball from the Rovers goal, powering past his marker and breaking free before making the last minute decision to pass to the unmarked Taylor who dutifully smashed it into orbit as he often does when faced with 1-on-1 situations. Much-maligned veteran keeper Steve Mildenhall produced a fine save from Lundstram's powerful strike at 80 minutes and went on to save another from O'Dowda from a silly angle with his feet. I really think Mildy will have given Clarke pause-for-thought with his performance today and we should have fewer fears going forward in that department.

The pivotal moment came in the 87th minute when Jermaine Easter flicked the ball past the last Oxford defender and was taken to the ground by their keeper while chasing it. Sub striker Ellis Harrison cooly launched the penalty into the top centre and there was much rejoicing followed by mass confusion when it was announced Harrison would be going on loan to Hartlepool straight after the game. Good old basket-case Rovers.

It could be argued that Oxford were hard done by and certainly deserved a point in my view but the penalty was a pretty clear one for me and they were fortunately unable to take advantage of their equal share of the chances. A real testament to the never say die attitude of Rovers under Darrell Clarke and a great away day for one of the larger away followings we'll see this season.

#18 Cossham Street, Mangotsfield United

Mangotsfield United 1 Taunton Town 3

Saturday 9th January 2016, Southern Football League Division One South & West

With the insanely wet January dancing a merry jig on the fixtures list and cancelling matches up and down the country from Wimbledon to Altrincham to Newport, I was forced to cancel my plans to take in Cheddar vs Chippenham Park and hurriedly seek an alternative. This seemed like a good opportunity for me to finally check out Mangotsfield United, a club that have interested me for a long time due to their Rovers links including: 

• Former players David Mehew and Steve Elliot are the current management team.
• In the last two seasons alone we have loaned them Danny Greenslade, Dominic Thomas and Kieran Preston.
• Players we've signed from Mangotsfield include Gary Penrice, Steve White and Phil Purnell.
• Former player and Radio Bristol man Geoff Twentyman is responsible for bestowing Mangotsfield with their slightly odd nickname "the Mangos".

These aside, I've heard nothing but good things about Mangotsfield locally as a cheap no-nonsense alternative to the Bristol big two. Their highest attendance this season has been 303 and they even used to have their own ultras. They were at one point in the Southern League Premier Division but currently reside a level lower, SPL Division One South and West.  

As I drove to Cossham Street in torrential rain I kept one eye on Mangotsfield's twitter account. I couldn't believe this was going to be on but sure enough as I approached the gates there was a man in waterproofs perched on a camping chair, guarding the players' entrance, looking thoroughly miserable.

I had a pint in the clubhouse and watched Wycombe play out their draw with Aston Villa. I stood admiring the signed Rovers and City shirts framed around the room and the impressive collection of scarves above the bar. I must have been gawking pretty hard because the kindly barman asked me if I'd spotted my club's scarf, to which I could only nerdily reply that I hadn't but I was impressed by the Almondsbury Town one (Almondsbury Town having ceased to exist sometime around 2012).

Eventually I could delay leaving the warm, dry clubhouse no longer and made my way through the turnstiles, paying £8 for the privilege.

The first thing I noticed as I passed through the gates into the near-torrential rain was how many people had turned up. Whether that was down a lack of any other non-league action available that afternoon or just people getting the date of the much-anticipated pig race wrong I didn't know but the 'field had pulled a respectable crowd of 186 for the afternoon.

Cossham street is a very tidy ground indeed for step 4, with ample seating in the Ralph Miller stand and three covered standing areas, two of which had terracing. I particularly enjoyed the shed opposite the Ralph Miller stand which has the subs benches built into it, creating a sort of tunnel where I could hide from the rain with my tea and chips.

The pitch really was in a sorry state by the time the game kicked off, with total devastation dealt to the grass in both penalty boxes and small pools of water gathering around the wings. Players were sliding into the concrete walls left right and centre from standard tackles and the physio made four forays onto the pitch during the first half that I counted. 20 minutes in and every challenge is looking like a potential career-ender for someone. Ryan Batten for the Mangos suffered a dislocated shoulder in the 25th minute which physio Megan Weston popped back on-pitch before he was carted off to hospital.

Six minutes later Lewis Powell was the first man to wade his way to a rebound from the post and poke the ball over the line. Taunton were ahead and were only denied a second in the 40th minute by the crossbar, as the rain finally began to let off. Before the half-time whistle the Mangos lost another player, Luke Bryan, to injury.

Taunton did get their second pretty quickly in the second half via an easy header from a corner. An older chap stood near me was apparently privy to some "blatant" pushing in the box and proceeded to unleash the single greatest torrent of lino abuse I have ever heard: "FUCKING UNEMPLOYABLE. FUCKING FAILED HIS 11-PLUS. CAN'T EVEN KILL A FUCKING WOODLOUSE. DISGUSTING."

By this point Taunton had control (well as much control as a team can have playing on a bog) and Jordan Rogers scored their third with a lovely 20 yard punt. At this point I figured I'd start making my way to the exit ready for a quick getaway as I was pretty wet and very cold indeed. As I passed behind the Taunton goal, the out-of-play ball bounced in front of me followed by the Taunton goal keeper. Wanting to be helpful, I hit the ball towards him along the floor without noticing the massive muddy puddle that had formed between the two of us and was now flying up into his face. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the Taunton goalkeeper who was magnanimous enough to thank me for my efforts. To be fair it's not like he could have gotten any more soaked.

Unfazed by my ineptitude, the Taunton keeper produced a fine save from a Mangos free kick that was just short of being a penalty. He did finally concede when substitute Joe Hillard scored a nuts volley from distance for his first club goal in injury time.

As has been mentioned elsewhere on the web, I feel a massive doff of the cap needs to go to Mangotsfield groundsman Pete Crowley for getting this game on when more or less every non-league fixture in Bristol had been abandoned, not to mention the players and the other 185 wackos that came to watch on a day like this.